sarah_rah76

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”
Margaret Mitchell

I've lost many a friend ship over the years, and most of the time i see it coming and it doesnt relly get to me that badly.

i knew alyssa and i were kind of dying, but we're still friends so it's not really a big deal.

Kristen and i have gona back and forth for years, but as much as that upsets me, i know that i can talk to er if i need to.

Amanda and i are also pretty off and on.

hell, the only one i'm not off and on with is Steph, and up until recently, nikki was on that list.

I'd like to explain how it all happend, but frankly i dont really know. one day we were fine, the next i didn't matter. actually, i think it took place over a weekend, but same principle.

yeah, we hadnt been as close, but i was trying to fix that. trying to get slumber parties planned, mall trips, hell, a ropad trip to canada was also in the books. but now its all gone and i dont really know why.

i'm upset, yeah, and i'm annoyed, yeah. but i cant decided which emotion is stronger.

part of me wants to just cry to her, make her understand that i need her. she's been a constant for three years now, and i dont deal well with change.

the other part of me wants to scream and bitch and be as mean as humanly possible.

and still, one more part, just wants to forget she exists. after all, shes not exactly the kind of friend i need, right?

idk, rachel said i should just let it go. if she realises she misses me then its worth trying again. if not, she was never my friend anyway.

i just wish i could read her mind, know exactly contrued little thoughts are going on in her head. especially to make her believe u was never a real friend.

The one thing i always wished i could change about myself was the fact that i always seem to have a crush on somebody.

it makes me feel desperate, and i hate that feeling.

so when i realized that a certain somebody (or, should i say, somebodies) was a jerk, i was really happy with myself. for the first time in a while, i really didn't care what someone thought of me. like me or hate me, it made no difference.

and then came musical season, and all that went to hell.

I wont say that i really like him. it's not as if i spend every minute thinking about him. and i dont always try to get his attention. he's not in all of my dreams, but yeah, i would consider it a baby crush.

he's fairly cute, funny, and a relatively nice guy. i dont get to spend a whole lot of time with him, so it's hard to tell. the time i do spend with him is kind of off and on conversation and torturing. but that everyone ni musical, so it's not a big deal. i still dont know if i actually like the guy.

i do know that i love his family.

i also know that he's younger then me, which is a bit weird, and that his little cousin adores me. i'd fit in pretty well to the clan and i've told him that, i'm sure.

the four year old in me refuses to admit to liking him [except to a select few] and if ever confronted with the question, i will lie. he doesn't like me, and that's fine.

i'll be over it like i got over all the others.



edit//
sometimes, i just want to belong.
=(

I've decided that I'm giving up on you.

And you too.

There's no point. I'll never be what you want.

i overreacted.
you dont make me want to kill myself.

i dont hate myself.

i hate you.

just thought i'd straighten that out.

=)

"I love her more then I loved you"


You've ruined me.
I'll never be okay.
you wonder why I treat you like I do. Ignoring you and being angry with you.

maybe because every time we speak I always end up crying and wanting to kill myself. ever thought of that possibility.

less then a week ago you were texting me at 2 in the morning saying how much you still loved me.

fuck you.

frankly, I hope you kill yourself.

No, I'm not kidding...

I wont let it effect me, right? Im done letting you or anyone else influence my feelings.

but if thats true, tell me why seeing you put your arms around here made me hurt deep down in my chest? why immedietly my thoughts went to what i could do to get away?

i hte feeling like i cant live without you. you makeme smile like few can and i wish you'd think of me as more t hen a friend. i know that's all we''ll ever be, but that hurts me. i wish it didn't.

i wish i was the type of girl you liked.

i'm trying to get thin. trying so hard i'm afraid it'll kill me. would you notice me then, if i was thin?

i cant be her. im not athletic, nor do i have any desire to be. im not that cute, no matter how hard i try. i just want to not care anymore.

i dotn want to worry abotu what you think of me. i dont wnat to worry about what you think of me as.

i feel beyond dumb for crying tonight. i knew i would. but i went anyway.
i knew shed be there with you, but i went there anyway. does that make me dumb?

and it's not like you ignored me. hell we danced twice and talked for a good bit of the time. i broke your clock and you were way to tall for me.

im crying now. and that makes me hate myself.

can I be an option?

way to be confusing.

I've seen you staring at me. You've even had your friends turn back and look at me. I'm not dumb, nor am I blind.

And was that jealousy I heard in your voice? or just confusion?

Either way, its just me "keeping my options open"...you know how that goes...

Start keeping up.

I guess part of this is my fault. I should learn better then to fall for someone quickly. Although, it hasn’t exactly been quick, has it? Granted, it’s been an on off thing since 6th grade, but this time it feels different. Feels almost right. Almost.
There is still that part of me that is terrified to try and get close to anyone. After everything with... After everything I guess you could say I became somewhat of a pessimist. I mean, without my friends, I probably would have locked myself in a room somewhere and never come out.
But I’m getting off topic.
What I was saying before had something to do with falling quickly, right? Well that’s kind of what happened. I don’t see your for months, god knows how long it’s been since we had a real conversation, and then all of a sudden, there you are, sitting next to me. It took me till then to realize how much I really did like you. How cute you were and how smart you could be.
You make me laugh. Genuinely and completely. Our discussions, when we have them, are never boring. In fact, we can take topics normally difficult to make into a conversation, and talk about them for a good while. From how much we hate to be lazy, to Italians that tend to hug. It just seems like we’re on the same kind of wave length.
I know I make it obvious. I’ve never been very good at hiding things like this. But you, you’re hard to read. Sometimes, I’ll catch you looking at me. We’ll both immediately turn away, but I have seen it. You make conversation with me too, and you like to pick on me. Maybe I’m imagining it, or maybe you’re flirting back.
And if you were, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you feel the same. I hope you do.
Oh god, how I hope.

if this is you being afraid i'm gone...

well heres the truth.


i am.

Im sorry. i really am. i should have been done with him and not even thought about going back. i hate that it hurts you.and you hateing me hurts me even more. but you have to claim some responsibility for this as well.
You lied to me. you flat out told me that none of it had happened, and so i convinced myself that it really didn't and just tried to forget. and then you let it go for too long, and now theres no fixing it. you said so yourself. did it occur to you at any point that if you had tried to fix it earlier, maybe you and i would still have a firendship? if you hadn't waited until months afterward when there was nothing left to do, maybe we would be okay?
I am so mad at you because it feels like your blaming me for everything and i dont understand that. Yes, whne you told to be done i should have listend, i get that. and i was for a while, but then you weren't sure anymore. or rather, you were, you just told me you weren't.
I love him. You know i love him. I gave him up because he hurt you. but now you've hurt me an di don't know what to do.
Your probably not even reading this. but if you are..i think we should talk. face to face. It'll be a mess and im sure well both cry. but if it will give you some sort of peace, then im up for it. ill be up for almost anything. please just dont be hurting anymore.

Last night I was awake until about 3am. I don't know how it started it, but I was crying for most of that time. I remember getting up around 2:30, turning on my light and writing. It’s a little sloppy, but here's what came out.

There's this Girl.

She was my best friend.

She and I had the sort of friendship where we could go many days without speaking to each other, just a nice smile in the hallway or something of the sort. But, when I needed her, she was always there for me. And I was always there for her. I thought that was good about us. Apparently, she didn't.

She decided, not to long ago, that she didn't want to hear it. Didn’t want to bear the burden. She said that we had been growing apart anyway, and that we couldn’t have remained friends the way things were going.

In some sick, twisted way, it feels like a break up of a sort. I’m so mad at her for ending everything the way she did, but I would do almost anything for things to go back to the way they were. It hurts my heart to think that I can’t talk to her anymore. And it’s because she doesn’t want me. I don’t understand why.

I know I said I was through worrying about it. That as far as I was concerned, she could “shove it”, I believe were my words. But I miss her.

She kept the rest of them around. The other girls that were in our little group. They even added one to replace me. I hear them all laughing everyday and it hurts.

The worst part is that I would still die for that girl. We’re so different, but we could always, no matter what, make each other laugh. And I’m going to miss that.

We had best friends before we had boyfriends. Before high school, drama, drugs, and midterms. Best friends were first.

I’m sure that one day I’ll forget why we fought. And why I’m crying so hard about it right now.

But I won’t forget her.

Not ever.

i lied.

i know you'll see this. so heres me saying that i'm sorry. theres really nothing else to say.

you know how i feel, and your mad. It's understandable.

but the fact that your mad at me for something that you've done to me multiple times, that kinda bugs me.

so be mad. but don't say you don't care.

lets talk about my current level of confusion and hatred shall we?

It's been established that you amek me hate myself. but never, for a minute, think that i don't love you with every piece of me. yes, i'm scared. Of course i'm scared. you have yet to give me a reason to be brave.

my friends donn't seem to get it, not most of them anyway. you're my everything. Without you i don't think i'd be okay. i mean, i would. but i wouldn't be okay about being okay.

i'd write more, but i really have some work to do.

wow. i finally got one. i'm debating weather to go right into the journaling or wait till i've figured the whole thing out and just post a quick thing.


ehh...quick thing.